Boxers or Briefs
by Humor In A Bittersweet Life
Summary: Abby and Ziva go out for drinks and discuss underwear. TIVA-ish


**Disclaimer: No Infringement intended ... this girl just wants to have fun with the NCIS gang.**

**Summary: A discussion on undergarments ... TIVA~ish**

**Rated: T**

**Title: Boxers or Briefs?**

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**Boxers or Briefs?**

Officer Ziva David and Forensics Specialist Abby Sciuto decided to go out for a drink _or_ _two_ after a particularly grueling case. They decided to go it alone … without the men of NCIS that is. Tony had gotten on Ziva's last nerve … quoting one to many movies and McGee was … well … McGee. Always trying to one-up Abby. She loved him, but she wanted an evening out without constantly feeling like she was on Jeopardy. They both had IQ's that were through the roof, but sometimes Abby just wanted to be one of the girls … talking about girl stuff. Ziva … never really having a girl _friend … _wanted the same thing.

They sat in a booth in the back of Fat Bill's Bar and Grill. The evening began with them pissing and moaning about Tony and Tim. They did sound like two girls talking about their boyfriends rather than colleagues. A bunch of obnoxious college coeds came and sat in a booth a few feet away from them. They had obviously been bar hopping. The girls were asking the boys which they preferred on a girl … bikinis or thongs?

"Ilck … were we ever that obnoxious, Ziva?"

"I don't know about you, Abby, but if I were ever like that … I would have been stoned in the town square."

Abby shrunk back in her seat and brought her hand to her mouth, horrified.

"I forget how different our cultures are, Ziva."

"Stoned is an exaggeration, but my father would have locked me away from my friends … not that I had any. _Ziva glanced in their direction_. My friends were family … they were Mossad."

Abby thought she heard a familiar voice … she looked up and saw Tony, Tim, Gibbs and Ducky walk through the door.

"Great … look who just walked in … the men of NCIS."

"Maybe they won't see us."

Gibbs' team, minus the women and Palmer … if you want to count him as a member of the team … walked up to the bar and ordered their drinks. They stood there, facing the bar, talking quietly to one another.

Gibbs, stood one foot up on the foot rail. Tim had his left foot crossed in front of his right foot, resting on the tip of his toe. Tony was leaning on the bar with his butt sticking out and Ducky had his feet together and both hands equal distance apart on the bar.

Abby leaned across the table and whispered to Ziva as she glanced at the coeds … "Do you think the guys ever think about our undergarments, Ziva?"

Ziva smiled as she downed the last of her drink. "I know DiNozza does."

"That's a given … if Tony saw a poodle wearing a pink sweater, he would wonder what color bra she was wearing."

"Poodle? Is that another American idiom for young women?"

"No Ziva … I meant an actual dog."

Ziva started to laugh … loudly. She had already had three too many. Tony lifted his head up and started looking around.

"Ziva! Shh … Tony can hear you!"

They both ducked under the table until Tony turned back toward the bar."

Ziva looked back over her shoulder and looked in Gibbs direction. "Boxers … military issue."

"What?"

"Gibbs … he wears boxers … military issue boxers. I bet he still goes to the PX to get them too."

Abby started to giggle … she was on her third Shirley Temple … no one ever told her that there was no alcohol in a Shirley Temple.

This time, Tim started to look around and once again the girls ducked down under the table.

Abby looked over the edge of the table in Tim's direction this time. "Tighty whities." She states plainly.

"Who … who do you think wears tightee whitees?"

"Oh no … I _know_ who wears them … Special Agent Timothy McGee!"

"Ooh … you know, do you?"

"We had a little thing … way back."

"Tony … boxers."

"You and Tony!?"

"Ah … no, no … when I first came on board at NCIS … he was following me … I saw him at the pool … he was wearing boxers."

"At the pool?"

"Long story."

Both women turned their attention toward Ducky. He had his suit jacket on and to them, was the patriarch of the group. Gibbs, of course, was the team leader, but Ducky … well … there was something special about Ducky. He didn't command respect. He didn't ask for respect. People just respected him. The girls looked away at the same time and shook their heads.

Ziva said it first. "Guess we'll never know."

Abby raises her hands. "I don't want to know. He's like my dad! _Then she really whispers. _Do you think he has sex?"

"He is a healthy … ah … older gentleman … Abby."

"That's what I mean, Ziva. He's a gentleman. He's not a wild womanizer like Tony and I don't think he's been married three … four times like Gibbs and Tim … well … never mind Tim. _She shook her head_. No … I don't think he has sex."

"So then you must think … how do you American's say it? He goes _Comanche_?"

"It's commando and no … I don't think Ducky goes commando … geez Ziva. Why would you think that?"

"You don't think he has sex and you don't want to think about his choice of underwear so … you must think he goes … what is it again?"

"Commando and no … that's not what I think at all, Ziva!"

The girls were so engrossed in their little argument, that they didn't realize that the men of NCIS were now standing by their table listening with much amused interest, including and especially, Ducky.

"I would like to settle your argument, girls."

With the sound of Ducky's voice, both women jumped a foot off their respective seats.

"Oh no, please … let me, Donald. _A very attractive woman looped her arm through his and placed a kiss on his cheek. _Calvin Klein Boxers and oh … **yes he does**!"

Ducky straightened his bowtie, turned ten shades of red and excused himself and his new friend Mona.

Gibbs, Tony and McGee slid into Abby and Ziva's booth and asked the question …

"So girls … you know our secrets … what about you … boxers or briefs?"

The men started laughing … Tony had to correct the question.

"Aw … come on … thongs or …ah … thongs?"

Gibbs must have been feeling good because Tony ducked expecting a head slap that never came.

Ziva and Abby looked at each other and knew how they were both going to answer the question.

"I wear women's briefs … big ass bloomers!"

"Yup … me too." Ziva said confused … she didn't know what bloomers were, but knew she was following Abby's lead.

Tim made a skeptical face … he _was_ a gentleman, but he too had a few too many to drink.

"Wait a second … you don't wear big ass bloomers Abbs … in fact you don't wear …"

"McGee, one more word and I can make your entire body disappear and leave not one spec of evidence behind!"

McGee pressed his lips together and dropped his head down. It was already too late … they _were_ Federal agents … not too hard to figure out that for Abby … commando was where it was at.

"Oh … I get it … said Ziva … you go Comanche!"

In unison, "Commando!"

If looks could kill … forensics would be a very difficult science and Tim would be dead. They all turned their attention to Ziva … all of _their _undergarments secrets were out … all but hers.

"Oh no … forget it … for me to … to …ah."

"For you to know and us to find out." Tony helps her out … at least he tries.

"Oh no! You will **not** find out!

"It's just a saying Zeev."

"Excuse me … I need to use the ladies room."

All eyes were on her butt as she walked away. Tim leaned towards Abby.

"Abbs … go with her … do some recon."

Abby crossed her arms over her chest and snubbed McGee … he did reveal her secret … she was pissed. Gibbs … not quite in his right mind … made the same request with an entirely different outcome. A more desired effect in fact.

Abby got up from the booth and followed Ziva into the ladies room. She looked under each stall until she found Ziva's boots. Then, she got into the stall next to her and peeked over the top.

"Boxers! And they have Scooby Doo on them! Oh my God … those are ... I mean ... are those ... Tony's?!"

Ziva pulled up her pants and pushed open the door to her stall. Abby stood there with her eyes wide open and her hand covering her mouth.

"Abby … Abby … please … tomorrows laundry day and and …"

"And you and Tony … Oh my God!"

Ziva put her hand over Abby's mouth … "Shh … please Abbs … Gibbs will send me home and Tony will be Agent Afloat again!."

"Okay Ziva … your secret is safe with me … well … the one about you and Tony."

Abby walked out of the ladies room and went back to the booth. She sat down, looked down at her hands and simply said … "Boxers."

Gibbs drank down his bourbon and looked over at Tony. "Really Abbs … Ziva wears boxers?"

"Yes Gibbs … boxers."

"That's an odd choice for a woman … isn't it DiNozzo?"

Abby … being Abby and trying to protect her friends, but could never lie to Gibbs said … "I wear them sometimes."

"No you don't Abbs … we all know you don't wear any …"

"McGee … I'm warning you!"

"That's okay Abbs … I'm interested in Tony's opinion … what do you think DiNozzo? Is it sexy when a woman wears boxers?"

Tony knows that Gibbs knows and Gibbs knows that Tony knows that Gibbs knows that Tony knows that Gibbs knows. Abby is watching the two men and thinking that Gibbs knows and Tony knows and Tim, in this case, is an idiot.

"In my opinion Boss, if the woman is wearing her boyfriend's boxers and he knows it … it's very sexy."

"Abbs … what kind of boxers was she wearing."

"I didn't really notice Gibbs."

"Aw … Abbs … come on … play the game."

"What game, Boss?"

"McGee … it's not Jeopardy … you don't know how to play this game."

Abby mutters under her breath … "I'd rather play a Jeopardy Marathon with McGee then this!"

Ziva appears from the bar with a fresh round of drinks. Abby grabs her Shirley Temple and downs it. "Thank God!" They all laugh.

"What's going on?" Asks Ziva

"We were just discussing with DiNozzo, the things he finds sexy in women."

"Oh really."

"Apparently he likes it when his girlfriend wears his boxer shorts."

Now Ziva knows that Gibbs knows and now Gibbs knows that Ziva and Tony know that he knows and that they haven't pulled any wool over his eyes. The only one that knows nothing about it, is McGee.

Giving up the pretense, Ziva surrenders. "Well … his girlfriend chose Scooby Doo tonight. I hope he's happy."

Tony and Ziva had a sort of code by the boxers she chose … Scooby was good … very good.

"Oh … Tony's very happy."

McGee looked around the bar … he saw one pretty girl after another. He wondered how Ziva knew his girlfriend and how she knew that she was wearing his Scooby Doo boxer shorts.

He continues to look … "Which one is she Ziva?"

Gibbs was about to head slap him when Abby intercepted his hand. Gibbs looked at Abbs with his _mean_ eyes, but Abby's looked meaner.

"Please … allow me."

Gibbs held his hands up and Abby slapped Tim in the back of his head … much harder than the normal Gibbs slap … then … she did it again.

"Hey … hey … what was that all about?"

"A - telling everyone about my non-undergarment choice and two _**Ziva**_ is wearing Tony's Scooby Doo boxers you idiot!"

"Tony's?"

"Yeah … Tony's … now do you understand?"

"Yeah …yeah … that's so cool … I need to switch to boxers. I love Scooby Doo!"

They all head slapped him.

Gibbs got up … started walking away and said … "I give up!"

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_**fin. Thanks for reading ... reviews appreciated ... Judy :)**_


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